Weird moments.

Haha. This to me is one big joke.

Much as i know fair well the destiny ahead of me, the big dreams that i should have, sometimes i just let myself get bogged down by puny stuff. Maybe it's just the small me in me trying to act up again.

Kill that small me, i should say. I belong to God. :)

I tried sleeping. I really did. Even though i was so tired in the afternoon. Maybe it's just cos of the crying, or the sadness. I'm glad nobody knows. :) 

It's not me... it's just the small me... which the big I wouldn't entertain anymore in any of my days to come.

ALLLLL THHIIINNNGSSSS NEWW!!!!

I'm back from GoP camp!!! :) Woohoo!!! :)

I was greatly inspired... and greatly taken back to the times when i were like them, so open, so good attitude...

So today (after slacking for one full day including watching youtube videos at night), i've decided to declare a NEW PHASE OF MY LIFE! :)

Oki fine probably cos in the earthly sense i'm quite finished with projects for this year (save for accounts etc... what's coming up will be renewed cell plans and also ministry reorg maybe? :))

But spiritually speaking, no more wishy washy stupidity, no more childishness, no more fickle-mindedness. I am who i'm meant to be. Not just called, not just empowered, but loved and cherished by God. :) I'm meant to read every situation as subjectively empowering. God does everything for a reason. :) Every day is a possibility for Him to change me and to mould me. :) I just wanna hear from God more and more... to stay close... to know what He wants me to do.

Haha. Godly decisions always make me feel good, dont they. :)

Hurh. :)

I have decided not to allow emo posts to stay on top for such a long time. :)

Anyway... just a little thought about SMU's grading system. Currently i'm blogging in the middle of lecture... the prof doesnt even look as if he's truly interested,  he seems as if he listens just cos he needs to grade us. Class participation has truly been thrown out of the window... it's just compulsory so eveyrone does it. Perhaps that's why i enjoy marketing class so much. :) 

So just a reminder... to change programme and programme and programme according to the people and culture. What had worked for SMU's culture previously seems to be working the other way now. Haha.

Oh yay, last group presenting. :)

Oki gone from complaining... one really happy thing is that, whenever i read the bible, i feel compelled to never lead a life of smallness. Do you know how BIG God is? :)

It's an honour to be of use

You see... no one truly needs me... whatever i'm doing now, there are many ppl who cld replace me.

But that makes my position really precious. Cos i'm in a place i don't deserve to be at. :)

It's an honour to be able to serve. Of course, i can get kicked aside once my expiry date is up, when someone else better comes along. But i'm glad to be able to serve at this point of time. :)

I'm glad God doesn't ever compare.

Looking back

Hmmm... things happen quite fast eh. :) 

People are always moving in and moving out... or rather, i might be the one moving in and moving out too.

I thank God that usually the exits come quietly... if it's dramatic maybe it's harder to comprehend and there might be bad feelings around?

A few years ago, people whom i thought i could not quite imagine myself without are all... somewhere. I am somewhere else too.

Now i sound like as if i'm a P6er... haha.

I thank God for everyone in my life now... :) Especially for those in the inner circle, cos it's really by God's grace... that such friendships are formed. And by God's anointing, if these friendships can stay strong. :)

Enough thinking... i've got truckloads of homework to complete. Eh wait, that's quite an exaggeration. haha. :)

Yay! :)

Marketing the church

I really think it's quite powerful to apply marketing to church. Even as i was studying for my marketing mid-term, my mind is just filllleedddd with ways of applying marketing techniques to church.... i'm obssessed with this idea now! :)

Just the most fundamental marketing concept... it's not about looking at your product and then trying to sell it, but looking at what needs there are and trying to produce a product that fulfills. In the same way, it's not looking at church as what it is now and then trying to sell it, but looking at what needs are out there and seeing how the church can fulfill it.

And that last line being mentioned, the church is the most powerful solution to all of the world's problems. 

Ok, now trying to practice self-control and getting myself back to studying - the excitement of being able to apply marketing to church is just too much to contain! :)

A lil struggle. :)

Haha. :) There's now a weird struggle going on inside me... 

There are so many many things to be, so many things that i should excel in, so many things that i cannot just do but must do very well at that. I need to score good results, to be a valuable member in the groups i belong to, to add value wherever i am, to prosper, to be the head and not the tail.

The struggle comes... what if i'm not there yet? 

What if there's a seemingly insurmountable discrepancy between who i am now and who i am supposed to be now? The discrepancy is so huge i can get sometimes pressurized by that huge gap that i somehow have to fill. Then there's somehow that distorted thought that it was never meant to be easy; so just work harder! Think about the whole verse about i beat up my body so that it can come into slavery for Christ. So the struggle is compounded when i see that i should never stop moving on relentlessly because that's what i ought to be doing. It's like a struggle to reach where i think is impossible to reach, and that can get quite tiring at times.

But then again. Were they lying when they said they were too ordinary people committed to an extraordinary dream? Was the bible lying when it gave testament to how every single amazing biblical character was once so flawed but yet eventually emerged victorious? Was He ever lying when He said that the Holy Spirit would be my helper? Was He ever lying when He even youths would grow weary but those who wait upon Him would soar on wings like eagles? I can say this for sure - No.

What's left to figure and struggle about? - that even as i trust in God, i need to trust and have confidence in myself, that i can do it too. :)

(sudden realisation... the struggle is cos i'm trying to use my natural strength to bring forth what God was supposed to using His supernatural strength....)

On a random note... i was actually watching tv the other day (wow....), and it was a korean drama. Haha. Greatest take-away: when we look at weak people, sometimes we despise them? We actually think that they're just living in self-pity and they should just snap out of it? But for people you love and when you really know what they're going through, when they're so weak, you dont actually feel irritated? You feel like you love them even more and you really really wanna help them along... you actually want to care for them more. I thank God that He loves me, and i believe that when i'm weak, it just makes me wanna care for me even more. :) Haha. :) It's a comforting thought k! :)

What i was and will be

I finally figuredddd out some important things. I finally recalled and remembered.

When i was a non-christian i was seriously hungry for something i didn't know about... so i looked for people who were totally different... who were actually, super churchy, in a weird sense of the weird. I didn't want people who smelt like me, thought like me, moved around like me... but i wanted ppl who were absolutely different. Different in a peculiar way even.

[Be in the world but not of the world - being relevant enough that you can be there at the same time, but different enough for ppl to notice that you are different]

When i became a christian i really grew by observing the things around me. Much as it sounds weird, thinking excites me. Knowing how ppl work excite me, knowing how things function excite me. Especially human behaviour, philosophy and whatever not. Those things excite me.

[Mediating on God's word all the time. By applying His Word to the world around me. Wow.]

I still go on my usual routines, to take any bus other than 13 and 16 to transfer to 155... sit at the same bus stop, tread through the same bus stop path back home. But i thank God i'm growing. I thank God my concerns are different than 1, 2, 3 years ago. I thank God i feel the "sunday service feel" less (it's a very particular feeling i feel... not of routine, but familiarity, it's not that bad but not that good either).

[I thank God that the past was good, but the future will be better]

Phew... :)

Wheee!

Yesterday night did something wrong and really ended up (today morning only) with a rather correct conclusion... i need to have more humility. :)


That aside, landed up with another conclusion today during QT.


When i go up to heaven, i cannot
Show God my ministry resume. What is it that i have done that wasn't enabled by Him in the first place?
Show God how faithful i have been in attendance in church. If i'm not careful even church itself can be a pleasing routine.
Show God how much i've done QT. Haha, this point is super funny, cos sure lose if i go on this point - there are people who know how to pray and worship all day long!


I cant think of any more usual factors used to determine the level of christianny i am in.


But ultimately.


I can only present myself to God, holy and blameless, washed clean by the blood of Christ.


(Although i'd probably still have to account for many other things after i've presented myself to God. Haha. :p)

Something's happening! :)

I have this cute sensing that this term would be quite a breakthrough term if i dare push through my vision. :)


It's the 2nd week of school... ... and i'm looking at the stuff i'm studying and thinking cultural mandate. I'm looking at my friends and thinking presence evanglism.


I'm finally thinking something can happen in school.


Now it's not to beat myself up and say why i never caught the vision earlier...


But to say, whatever has to come, bring it on! :)


I shall start with 1 per week... and we'll see what happens. :)



Everyone's calling is biggg and meggaaa. It really just depends on how much you're willing to fight and push for it to come to pass. :)


Just wanna thank God for all the hungry people in my life... you guys inspire me... :) I'm so so so blessed to have all of you in my life... thank God for you all... and while you guys are pursuing those mega God-given dreams, i'll be here for prayer and support k! :) *hugs!

Thank God. :)

I dunno why God has sent me so many blessings along the way... and i thank all of you who have allowed yourselves to be a blessing in my life. :)


I dunno why, but i thank God. :) So much abundance, so much so much so much. :)


But i hope and pray that beyond the blessings i'll push forth towards the one who gives all the blessings too. :)


Let's hope my birthday would be more than a physical one, that i will be able to grow much much much more in God too. :)


Thank You Lord. :)

Birthday. :)

Hey thanks thanks thanks loads guys! :) This is really one of the most memorable birthdays i have. :)


Well i probably wont see Jack's Place the same anymore. :)


My wallet's different too. :)


If anytime i need to switch to paper PDA, i know what book to use. :)


2 more CDs added to the collection... but they'd be more than just the usual collection of course. :)


But more than the stuff, it's really the people... and really really... you all make me feel ultra blessed and loved. :)


THANKS EVERYBODY! :)

Dead man walking

Day by day it's just really thought after that thought that really.... i didn't know what i was talking when i preached about the Person of the Holy Spirit. I didn't know what i was talking about when i shared among the anointing and presence of God. I really didn't know what i was talking about when i was talking about holiness and continual habitation of the Holy Spirit in my life.


I wanted to say that because of all these i'd stand in awe of God - but even in this i don't know what i'm talking about. If I am overwhelmed by the things i know i don't know, what would happen if i took into accounts things which i do not know of?


It's perplexing and mind-boggling and i really gotta deny my flesh to take in all that's been "revealed" to me. I feel super unprepared... ... even Jesus took 30 years for preparation. But thank God moudling is a continual process... and there's no end to this until Jesus comes back again or of course, i die la. Haha.


Thank You Lord, and teach me. :)

Thanks cells! :)

A BIG HUG AND THANK YOU TO ALL MY YM CELLIES! :)

You all really surprised me and made me feel greatly loved. :)

Each and everyone of you is a blessing from God to my life. :)

(I was almost tearing just now leh... so touched haha!)

Musings! :)

I've come to a gradual and slow realisation that school is starting soon. I guess it's not so much of a dread for school - school's good and i know God has placed me there and i know it is always a blessing to be able to go to school. I guess it's more of leaving the routine that i'm having now that's a bit saddening.


Interestingly the past few months have really been quite a dramatic time in my life. And i don't quite need much prophetic powers to know this - it will be one of my better holidays in my whole entire school life. :)


I'm glad throughout this holiday i have had the pleasure of really re-considering my spiritual life and its ups and downs, that i have got to know a few more people better through work or just pure can click kinda friends, that i have expended my energy and found some satisfaction.


From this point on it will be some sort of paranoid worrying that well, i won't be able to do as much. That i wont be able to dedicate so much time to reading christian books, doing church stuff etc etc. Some sort of paranoid worrying also that i won't be able to spend time with people whom i've actually been accustomed to seeing. Haha, they're really fun people to hang out with, but when everybody gets busier with our own lives, if i'm paranoid i would think i won't even get to talk to them much already?


But at the end of the day, i just wanna thank God for all that He has been blessing me over the past few months. I feel really really blessed. :) Really really. I have been blessed with people who care, I have been blessed that i can do things i really enjoy doing. :) And school will be a blessing too, and i choose to see it that way. I don't know what the future holds, but God take my life... and i know i know i know i'd live under Your blessings still. :)

Thoughts.

In my puny little mind i always have to remind myself these things...


1) The House of God isn't looking for any other worker - it is looking for a lover worker who works to earn not money, fame or love, but to serve and love her God and His people.

2) The House of God shouldn't have people who take the shortcut way out - there shouldn't be concealing of irresponsibility with the veil of "you said, "no power, no presence, no point"... and i don't have any of the above, so i should quit ministry." - Loose words, don't even have that thought.

3) The House of God needs workers who are pure at heart - the heart is deceitful above all things and servants of God always need to make sure their heart is at the correct place - that their hearts belong to God and their fierce loyalty is for the anointed leader placed over their ministry - that in all things they do they can account to God that they have done it with the purest of intentions.

4) The House of God is still made up of people - people have their own thoughts, own styles, own minds, own interpretations even of the bible - Paul had to address the divisions in corinthians! - but always submit to one another in love.


I'm exceedingly covetous at this time. What i'm actually coveting for i dare not proclaim. But let me just make sure my heart is pure and my motivations are clean. Only that will make it a proper sacrifice fit for the King.

Expanding the vision

It's quite a cool season in my life.


I have actually swiftly moved away from stage 1: initial breakthrough into a very cute stage 2:transitional phase of my life.


It has been filled with talking to people and reading books which really open up my eyes to a bigger plan, bigger purpose, bigger destiny. Greater glory (especially with the david herzog book), greater move of God in my life, greater anionting.


Sometimes, i really feel like a worm. (worm in a coconut supposedly, but i dunno how that came about.) Worm-ish in a sense i'm just crawling on the grounds of God's glory... there is so so so much more!


When i read the stories of people getting into a portal which transported them into the third heaven... and it just sounds like crazy crazy... truthfully sometimes after reading that kinda thing it seems so much so out of my reach i feel like i don't want to read the bok anymore. It's a weird feeling of so near yet so far... ("we serve the same God" conjures two different responses in me now, one of an encouragement that i can really believe for that kind of thing in my life, another one would be that of some of a ashamed-ness of how i'm not there)


Ok but whatever the response, haha, the discrepency between what i read and what i see in my life is getting bigger... ... so my life's going to get more exciting.


The step to ponder about now? Step 3: Faith-in-action/ways to move into the glory zone itself.

Random, but powerful.

It's quite humorous.


It's always when i feel physically tired or when my day is bad that my QT ends with a "i must seek God more" kinda dissatisfied feeling.


Maybe it's really bringing me into the mini valleys so that i can reach the mountains faster.


I have no idea as of what which mountain i'm supposed to go to... but i know it's definitely going to be a very very exciting place.


Dear friend, i invite you to share in my joy that i have found in the Lord. :)

Random musings

Whether we're a minister or a normal church-goer, our heart conditions are of vital importance.


How many times does God knock you down? He doesn't really. More often He comes only when you allow Him to.


I gotta drill that into my mind and start thinking of a systematic way of how to check the condition of my very own heart.


Haa, i need help to illuminate this deceitful thing... sometimes even i myself have no idea whatsoever of what it is truly thinking.

Blatant inconsistencies

Haha. I'm a weird person full of weird inconsistencies.


I say that i have many things to do, but complain that i'm very free.


I say that i wanna eat, but complain that i don't feel hungry.


I say that i am tired, but complain that i'm getting too much sleep.


Well the consolation to myself is that there is a way of explaining all those inconsistencies... after all, Shujing has really weird thinking which sometimes can be quite unfathomable to others.


But the following is a really scary inconsistency:

I say that i can't do without God, but i still don't pray enough, read the Word enough, and seek Him enough.


Weird, isn't it?