Young and growing

You're young and you're trying to grow and figure out where you lie in God's mighty plans.

You try to dream bigger than yourself because your God is bigger than yourself.

You try to love more than what you did yesterday because you know there is much more to care about than your own needs.

You try to connect and influence more in a godly gentle manner because you kinda know that's what you're called to be.

But you still struggle between the girl inside you and the woman you are trying to be.

Sometimes the picture is unclear although at the moment certain words will dictate how you expend that portion of your life.

Other times you try to have your life founded on the Word of God, but often it is unclear what the direct decision should be.

The beauty of it all? You depend on God... because you are He says that you are beautiful, you are His beloved, and He believes in you. :)

Discontentment

Was as usual getting out of bed (after a really weird dream) to do QT in the morning... well, i was ultra gonggggg today....

Then i realised... hey, actually why am i doing my QT? Out of a routine, or do i really believe God to talk to me? I mean, yes i can still feel the presence of God after i speak in tongues etc, but is that at a level higher than before? If it's not, then why do i have to do QT to get to a level that i've been at before?

Hmmm... wellies... i've decided to figure out my own goals of doing QT... not just a blind routine anymore, but something specialised for myself. :) Beyond knowing it in its terms of "devotion" or "quiet time", to know why i'm doing QT. :)

Lalala... if i get the resources, maybe we'd see youtube videos my cell blog soon! :)

It can always be better, but be contented

Life can always be better...

Friends can get closer and be there more;

Ministry can be much better without me making so much mistakes;

Studies can be so much better with me studying more;

My preaching and sharing can be so much better with more empowerment from the Holy Spirit.

But i am contented with what i have now and who i am now.

Happiness. :)

Wheee... my happiness isn't dependent on anybody else or anything else, just dependent on God's continual goodness to me. :)

I shall always be happy. :)

And you are invited to share in my happiness (and sometimes whining! haha). :)

Spiritual Life

Whaaa... all that's floating in my head is "put God as your first priority!" then everything else will come nicely in... that's the most basic.

That's something i aim to do consciously... God is not just my first priority, He's my only priority, and all other priorities arise from there. :)

God's my life. :)

And also, thanks to all of you who have been a part of my life... you make my life colourful and vibrant. :) Yay. :) And to all those who love me dearly, apologies if i dont love you as much as i should. Reciprocration is difficult sometimes. Haha. :)

Quiet Time Thoughts

I think....

We all need to continually ask God to help us know Him and love Him more. :)

To ask God for that discontentment with your spiritual life now that you want it to be much more alive and active and that He'd wake you up even early in the morning to pray. :)

To ask God for that discrepancy between what you are doing now and what has been written in the bible that you can do so that you'd know you should go the extra mile. :)

To ask God for what His heart is for those around you that you might be able to know what matters to God and that He'd enable You to do the things you ought to do even if those things are out of your comfort zone. :)

We're all not there yet on our own... ask God, to enable us to know Him and love Him more. :)

Weirddd...

There are a couple of emotions which you might experience in your lifetime...

Exhilaration... usually when you get to do something you really wanna do.

Excitedness... usually when you get to talk about what you've always been wanting to say.

Purposefulness... usually after you've gotten a revelation from God, for me usually in the morning.

Happiness... usually when people praise you for what you've done right and what you are supposed to do.

Disappointedness... usually when you thought you did something well and you're proud of it and someone else comes along and bursts your happy bubble.

Ashamedness... dont even know if this word exists, but it's usually when you've done something somewhat wrong and you weirdly don't wanna tell anybody, including God, about it.

Cognitive-dissonancing... usually when you've done something you wished you didn't do, but you try to convince yourself you didn't do anything wrong still to make yourself feel better even though you can be uber guilty about it.

Hopefulness... this is usually after you brace yourself up and find God and ask Him about not so much what happened, but what will happen. :)

Groundedness... when you hold onto a real promise of God for your life; not just something you heard over the pulpit but never prayed about it; and you know how God is going to lead you there.

Livingness... usually when you realise that God is God. :)

I used to attribute emotions to simply hormonal changes... and now i don't quite think that excuse works. So now the next question... how do emotions actually work, and to what extent can they affect your life? To what extent are you supposed to extend your life? I mean, yes i know God isn't so much against emotions... He just wants us to have God-centred emotions. But... rawr. Hah. :)

I just want You, my Lord. :)

I loved this sunday evening.... it was tremendously beautiful. :)

This song was playing in my head... "i just want You, Jesus... i just want You, my Lord."...

I like to preach loud, fired up, prophetically, correction, rebuke, faithfilled, inspirational. I believe that's how things are supposed to be. :) The challenging, faith-building, praise jerking messages.

But now and then, i still get the reminders, my really true real style... 

is for a soft quiet assurance.

It was beautiful... tears not of joy nor sadness, but tears of comfort. That you know you did wrong, but it doesn't matter. It was peaceful, it was restful. It was, God and me. "I just want You, Jesus... i just want You, my Lord".

Haha on a pretty random sidenote, just now comm meeting we were talking about GoP YAs going up for valentine's day, and i was like, huh we don't follow our cell groups meh? Then it was like, oh ya hor some of them need to be up... haha! It's now at the weird age where everyone's dreaming of getting attached and married. As for me... well, i used to say there's no need for a boyfriend. Now i shall put it the real way... without the correct guy, there's no need. But when the correct guy comes along, there will be a need created, so only then will there be a need for a boyfriend. Makes sense makes sense? :) So that you're not in it because you need to have a relationship with someone, but you're in it cos you sincerely love that person. But anyways i'm not qualified to discuss those matters, so for now, it's to pray real hard that the correct guy comes along. :) 

Aiyaarrrrr finding the correct one to love is small issue larr (it's just that time of the year so have to think about it somehow)... big things coming our way... we're positioned for growth!!! Praying hard praying hard!:)

Weird moments.

Haha. This to me is one big joke.

Much as i know fair well the destiny ahead of me, the big dreams that i should have, sometimes i just let myself get bogged down by puny stuff. Maybe it's just the small me in me trying to act up again.

Kill that small me, i should say. I belong to God. :)

I tried sleeping. I really did. Even though i was so tired in the afternoon. Maybe it's just cos of the crying, or the sadness. I'm glad nobody knows. :) 

It's not me... it's just the small me... which the big I wouldn't entertain anymore in any of my days to come.

ALLLLL THHIIINNNGSSSS NEWW!!!!

I'm back from GoP camp!!! :) Woohoo!!! :)

I was greatly inspired... and greatly taken back to the times when i were like them, so open, so good attitude...

So today (after slacking for one full day including watching youtube videos at night), i've decided to declare a NEW PHASE OF MY LIFE! :)

Oki fine probably cos in the earthly sense i'm quite finished with projects for this year (save for accounts etc... what's coming up will be renewed cell plans and also ministry reorg maybe? :))

But spiritually speaking, no more wishy washy stupidity, no more childishness, no more fickle-mindedness. I am who i'm meant to be. Not just called, not just empowered, but loved and cherished by God. :) I'm meant to read every situation as subjectively empowering. God does everything for a reason. :) Every day is a possibility for Him to change me and to mould me. :) I just wanna hear from God more and more... to stay close... to know what He wants me to do.

Haha. Godly decisions always make me feel good, dont they. :)

Hurh. :)

I have decided not to allow emo posts to stay on top for such a long time. :)

Anyway... just a little thought about SMU's grading system. Currently i'm blogging in the middle of lecture... the prof doesnt even look as if he's truly interested,  he seems as if he listens just cos he needs to grade us. Class participation has truly been thrown out of the window... it's just compulsory so eveyrone does it. Perhaps that's why i enjoy marketing class so much. :) 

So just a reminder... to change programme and programme and programme according to the people and culture. What had worked for SMU's culture previously seems to be working the other way now. Haha.

Oh yay, last group presenting. :)

Oki gone from complaining... one really happy thing is that, whenever i read the bible, i feel compelled to never lead a life of smallness. Do you know how BIG God is? :)

It's an honour to be of use

You see... no one truly needs me... whatever i'm doing now, there are many ppl who cld replace me.

But that makes my position really precious. Cos i'm in a place i don't deserve to be at. :)

It's an honour to be able to serve. Of course, i can get kicked aside once my expiry date is up, when someone else better comes along. But i'm glad to be able to serve at this point of time. :)

I'm glad God doesn't ever compare.

Looking back

Hmmm... things happen quite fast eh. :) 

People are always moving in and moving out... or rather, i might be the one moving in and moving out too.

I thank God that usually the exits come quietly... if it's dramatic maybe it's harder to comprehend and there might be bad feelings around?

A few years ago, people whom i thought i could not quite imagine myself without are all... somewhere. I am somewhere else too.

Now i sound like as if i'm a P6er... haha.

I thank God for everyone in my life now... :) Especially for those in the inner circle, cos it's really by God's grace... that such friendships are formed. And by God's anointing, if these friendships can stay strong. :)

Enough thinking... i've got truckloads of homework to complete. Eh wait, that's quite an exaggeration. haha. :)

Yay! :)

Marketing the church

I really think it's quite powerful to apply marketing to church. Even as i was studying for my marketing mid-term, my mind is just filllleedddd with ways of applying marketing techniques to church.... i'm obssessed with this idea now! :)

Just the most fundamental marketing concept... it's not about looking at your product and then trying to sell it, but looking at what needs there are and trying to produce a product that fulfills. In the same way, it's not looking at church as what it is now and then trying to sell it, but looking at what needs are out there and seeing how the church can fulfill it.

And that last line being mentioned, the church is the most powerful solution to all of the world's problems. 

Ok, now trying to practice self-control and getting myself back to studying - the excitement of being able to apply marketing to church is just too much to contain! :)

A lil struggle. :)

Haha. :) There's now a weird struggle going on inside me... 

There are so many many things to be, so many things that i should excel in, so many things that i cannot just do but must do very well at that. I need to score good results, to be a valuable member in the groups i belong to, to add value wherever i am, to prosper, to be the head and not the tail.

The struggle comes... what if i'm not there yet? 

What if there's a seemingly insurmountable discrepancy between who i am now and who i am supposed to be now? The discrepancy is so huge i can get sometimes pressurized by that huge gap that i somehow have to fill. Then there's somehow that distorted thought that it was never meant to be easy; so just work harder! Think about the whole verse about i beat up my body so that it can come into slavery for Christ. So the struggle is compounded when i see that i should never stop moving on relentlessly because that's what i ought to be doing. It's like a struggle to reach where i think is impossible to reach, and that can get quite tiring at times.

But then again. Were they lying when they said they were too ordinary people committed to an extraordinary dream? Was the bible lying when it gave testament to how every single amazing biblical character was once so flawed but yet eventually emerged victorious? Was He ever lying when He said that the Holy Spirit would be my helper? Was He ever lying when He even youths would grow weary but those who wait upon Him would soar on wings like eagles? I can say this for sure - No.

What's left to figure and struggle about? - that even as i trust in God, i need to trust and have confidence in myself, that i can do it too. :)

(sudden realisation... the struggle is cos i'm trying to use my natural strength to bring forth what God was supposed to using His supernatural strength....)

On a random note... i was actually watching tv the other day (wow....), and it was a korean drama. Haha. Greatest take-away: when we look at weak people, sometimes we despise them? We actually think that they're just living in self-pity and they should just snap out of it? But for people you love and when you really know what they're going through, when they're so weak, you dont actually feel irritated? You feel like you love them even more and you really really wanna help them along... you actually want to care for them more. I thank God that He loves me, and i believe that when i'm weak, it just makes me wanna care for me even more. :) Haha. :) It's a comforting thought k! :)

What i was and will be

I finally figuredddd out some important things. I finally recalled and remembered.

When i was a non-christian i was seriously hungry for something i didn't know about... so i looked for people who were totally different... who were actually, super churchy, in a weird sense of the weird. I didn't want people who smelt like me, thought like me, moved around like me... but i wanted ppl who were absolutely different. Different in a peculiar way even.

[Be in the world but not of the world - being relevant enough that you can be there at the same time, but different enough for ppl to notice that you are different]

When i became a christian i really grew by observing the things around me. Much as it sounds weird, thinking excites me. Knowing how ppl work excite me, knowing how things function excite me. Especially human behaviour, philosophy and whatever not. Those things excite me.

[Mediating on God's word all the time. By applying His Word to the world around me. Wow.]

I still go on my usual routines, to take any bus other than 13 and 16 to transfer to 155... sit at the same bus stop, tread through the same bus stop path back home. But i thank God i'm growing. I thank God my concerns are different than 1, 2, 3 years ago. I thank God i feel the "sunday service feel" less (it's a very particular feeling i feel... not of routine, but familiarity, it's not that bad but not that good either).

[I thank God that the past was good, but the future will be better]

Phew... :)

Wheee!

Yesterday night did something wrong and really ended up (today morning only) with a rather correct conclusion... i need to have more humility. :)


That aside, landed up with another conclusion today during QT.


When i go up to heaven, i cannot
Show God my ministry resume. What is it that i have done that wasn't enabled by Him in the first place?
Show God how faithful i have been in attendance in church. If i'm not careful even church itself can be a pleasing routine.
Show God how much i've done QT. Haha, this point is super funny, cos sure lose if i go on this point - there are people who know how to pray and worship all day long!


I cant think of any more usual factors used to determine the level of christianny i am in.


But ultimately.


I can only present myself to God, holy and blameless, washed clean by the blood of Christ.


(Although i'd probably still have to account for many other things after i've presented myself to God. Haha. :p)

Something's happening! :)

I have this cute sensing that this term would be quite a breakthrough term if i dare push through my vision. :)


It's the 2nd week of school... ... and i'm looking at the stuff i'm studying and thinking cultural mandate. I'm looking at my friends and thinking presence evanglism.


I'm finally thinking something can happen in school.


Now it's not to beat myself up and say why i never caught the vision earlier...


But to say, whatever has to come, bring it on! :)


I shall start with 1 per week... and we'll see what happens. :)



Everyone's calling is biggg and meggaaa. It really just depends on how much you're willing to fight and push for it to come to pass. :)


Just wanna thank God for all the hungry people in my life... you guys inspire me... :) I'm so so so blessed to have all of you in my life... thank God for you all... and while you guys are pursuing those mega God-given dreams, i'll be here for prayer and support k! :) *hugs!

Thank God. :)

I dunno why God has sent me so many blessings along the way... and i thank all of you who have allowed yourselves to be a blessing in my life. :)


I dunno why, but i thank God. :) So much abundance, so much so much so much. :)


But i hope and pray that beyond the blessings i'll push forth towards the one who gives all the blessings too. :)


Let's hope my birthday would be more than a physical one, that i will be able to grow much much much more in God too. :)


Thank You Lord. :)

Birthday. :)

Hey thanks thanks thanks loads guys! :) This is really one of the most memorable birthdays i have. :)


Well i probably wont see Jack's Place the same anymore. :)


My wallet's different too. :)


If anytime i need to switch to paper PDA, i know what book to use. :)


2 more CDs added to the collection... but they'd be more than just the usual collection of course. :)


But more than the stuff, it's really the people... and really really... you all make me feel ultra blessed and loved. :)


THANKS EVERYBODY! :)