New band life?

I'm still adjusting to SMU band life.

It's so different from both secondary school and JC... and i guess that's a good thing.

But everybody's views about band are so vastly different... the preconceptions about band we had, the experiences and brushes so far and yadayada... they're so different!

Well it's not all bad... but it's not all good either. Hmmm...

Dunno.

Hah.

Whee!

Thanks Kenneth for the Op Meta Promo!

Huikoon... i'll find your blog soon.

My darling YM cell kids (if you all ever read this...), don't forget about God while you all are studying k.

My darling YA cell... whee, you all really keep me sane, especially mid-week. =)

Hee okie.

Well i've got to go do constructive stuff now. Byebye! =)

Pit-stop! =)

It's end of saga already, so it's time now for a pit-stop. =)

Listening to this sermon about "has the child in you died?".

I don't want to ever lose that child-like innocence, even though somewhat maturing wisdom is good as well. Can i have both at the same time? Yes... but i'll have to work hard at it.

Loving God now isn't a matter of sheer passion... or rather, i'm teaching myself not to depend on the passion. Loving God now is a matter of attachment... but i do hope soon enough that attachment will become fire again.

Maybe i should throw away all my concieved ideas over my happy approximate 2 years and 9 months of being a christian, and really take God for what He says again. =)

Take 3rd class in the bus, cos there's no 4th class to go to.

Call for an end.

There are too many sagas happening in my life nowadays.

It's time to stop all these sagas.

Learn from all my mistakes (being unnecessarily emo), and be decisive and do whatever i've decided upon.

Yay, Shujing's simple life, here i come again! =)

Call for an end.

Hee there are far too many sagas happening in my life now already. It's time to end all these sagas (hopefully this wont be another saga in itself).

=)

I need to make a firm decision and do it, and not be too emotional in things.

Make to the simple life of Shujing! Yipppeee!!!! =)

What to make out of this all.

Hee it's 10min to my project meeting and i've been slacking so far since my class ended at 12. What a productive way to end my battery life by blogging here. -.-

Hee maybe it's a growing up thing... but somehow, these days, i'm much more acutely aware of my emotions, my feelings, and the things that fill my mind. Well that means that i become more aware of the much junk i place in my mind.

Not junk junk. But i stepped into school this morning with the same kind of mild dread and a feeling of just-getting-it-over-and-done-with... the kind i used to experience in JC, although the syndrome was much more pronounced then for certain reasons. (and then i start psychoing myself with my whole Jonah + territory story)

And i've come to the realisation of the word "instinct" and its many uses... my actions and thoughts are most of the time instinctive... not because it's not a result of logical thinking, but because sometimes instincts just mean that your past experiences/emotions/feelings have already been taken into consideration. I tried thinking through one of my instinctive emotions... and well, it led me all the way back to my JC days, and the source doesn't even start there.

We're meant to be self-determined creatures... but maybe i'm using my mind in the wrong way already.

God, fill me up with the thoughts You want me to think, and fill me up with the joy and the peace that surpasses all understanding. I've completed another route around the mind game run already, and i'm back here with You again. Lead me out of this circle and forward into that plan You have for me Lord.

I'm weak.

But He's strong.

Trouble's over!!! =)

Whee yay i officially announce the end of trouble. =)

I didn't get into band exco!!!

YES YES YES!!!

Haha. Which means... i can go for music prac more often! =)

Crossroads

I guess i brought myself to this crossroad which could have never existed...

Music prac vs Band.

Haha.

Hehh you might be wondering what's the big fuss about that? Cos its more than just one activity of Shujing's life replacing anymore. It's a complicated issue which actually led me to rethink my spiritual walk with God.

Obvious decision? My leaders are generally saying no. But why is it so hard to say no now but it was so easy to say no then? I was happily leaving band early then cos i had to rush off to church for music practice. Why not now? Why is it at this time in my life when ministry is getting so much more fruitful that i have placed myself in such a situation that threathens to jeopardize my church stuff? Why?

Because of wrong intentions? Because of hidden motives? Because i never dared asking God about it for i had my own agenda to fulfill? Because... perhaps... i never trusted God that much to know that He can provide for anything? Because of a sudden self-righteousness that makes it hard to put down my pride and obey God?

Hee, think integrity issues. My integrity is in constant testing now. Cos i think integrity is harder to exercise with peer pressure (albeit positive ones) around.

Does my soul long for you as the deer pants for the water, as much i as did? Is it already diluted by 1 month of school? I should never have been in this position ever.

Better is one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere.

Imperfection.

Hello, you are currently reading the blog of a highly imperfect person living in a imperfect world.

I just pray i'd stay sane from the humongous things to consider and think about that are flooding my way, and that i'd stay simple in a exceedingly complicated world, and that i'd stay true to Christ even though many people don't think He's real.

Hai, and i'm only 19, can you believe it?

First time. =)

Whee. I guess i should kinda blog today... cos... I SHARED FOR THE FIRST TIME FOR SERVICE YESTERDAY!!!

Haha.

Well... uh... i actually turned EMO after that. So stupid la. Shujing acts quite stupid sometimes (not all the time i hope). ARGH.

Haha.

So now in a better frame of mind, and recognizing that God actually gave me a very deep sense of peace after YM service, i should actually say that... my sharing for service might not be that bad after all. =) I mean, yea of course things to change... (including talking too fast cos i was somewhat nervous and it showed) but well, the service is after all in the hands of God and it's the Holy Spirit that convicts. =)

Oh but anyway, i was at YA service yesterday. Decided i needed to stay off sharing for bible study for my cell for a little while (haha i figured that nobody actually brought their growing in grace anyway...). Whee. My mind was half at service and half thinking about my sharing and wanting to dig a hole and hide in it kind of feeling. But anyway. Yes, manhood. =) Funny thing was, i was feeling stressed even though the whole sermon was challenging the guys. Cos im always thinking, a REAL man would require a REAL woman. And erm, haha, i'm just a mediocre girl, how to match up to a real man, huh? Hai. Haha. Well that's precisely why i'm giving myself 2 more years (clock's ticking away) before i get into ANY relationship. Haha.

Enough about me being a mediocre girl. Within these two more years, i still got a strong YM cell to oversee, more people to save, and more academic studies to study. =) There's no time to waste.

Oh and today is the first day of me not going for sunday service. Hai. I hope i do study well at home... i mean, i need to make full use of this cos its at the expense of spending time with God's church know.

Okie okie i shall say hi to lunch now. Byebye! =)

Borneo and its meaning

Whee I'm tempted to blog again although it's my time slot for studying econs now.

Ok quick updates first. School has been FUN. Really. I love the content of the modules this term... and to a certain extent the class participation bit cos it really makes everything more fun and interactive (though it can get a little stressful when you know your grades are counted...). Hee enough of school updates for now.

I love saturdays and sundays cos they are a holiday from the fighting and struggling and drag and stress of the weekdays. (Hee but bearing in mind that the holiday is just a respite and a preparation for the longer battle in the week ahead) But anyways haha we all need Sabbaths ok, it's biblical! =) So yes, i love saturdays and sundays and all the time i spend with my church friends and the time i spend with God worrying not about getting my degree but instead worrying of how i'm not or not growing enough in Him.

And... MY YM CELL HAD 14 PPL YESTERDAY FOR POST PARTY!!! (It was almost a full attendance just that we were missing Rachel and Christine and Sarah Swee) AND WE HAD TWO NEWCOMERS, JOYCE AND MELISSA! Haha. Yesyes cell, i'm really proud of you all. =) God will be happy too in all your efforts to bring His lost children back to Him again.

And... ooh about Borneo... Haha. Today we had a Missionary pastor from the interior. Cool huh. Guess what. He has 100+ in his house everyday la! And he picks up stray kids and really saves and feeds them (he showed us some photos, and they really look different!). Hee cool cool! =) So amazing how God is moving in his ministry and using his life for such a great purpose. ... Which lead me to think, hee am i walking in God's will for my life now right at this moment and am i availing myself to be used powerfully by Him? Hee maybe... or maybe not... but i shall try. =)

For now, i'm quite sure my calling is to be a good student (besides serving in YM and all la), so books, here I come!!! =)

(Haha. To some ppl, 'persecution' in modern day terms is studying. Heh. But really, even studying is a happy thing when done for the Lord. :) Praise the Lord!)

Commitment. =)

Ok let me remind myself again, i strive for full commitment to Christ. Everything is meaningless other than the things done for Christ. Don't go for the goals for Christ and in the process leave Christ out of the equation.

As for me, I will serve the Lord!

The Jitters...

This is one day before my uni lesson life officially starts.

And... i'm kinda scared.

After having laughed at everyone start school, i'm now currently trying to laugh at myself but it's not working!

My attempt to contact some fellow uni churchies is futile (oh ya i still don't have many of your msn addresses i realised, but ah well), cos they're watching the National Day Address now? Heh.

I think we should really look into forming a uni support group... And we could follow in the general style of Psalms... whine for majority of the session and cry on each others' shoulder as if the sky's going to fall down the day after, but at the end of each session still praise God for the blessing of placing us in our schools and remind each other that there is where our mission field lies for now.

Haha ok maybe not, i'm just being a little anxious right now about school.

So let's see... i shall check out my timetable now and then proceed on to do QT.

=)

Wheee!!!!

Thanks loads to my darling cell for celebrating my birthday!!! (And making me blow my birthday candles from far far away...) You guys rock my world. =)

Thanks loads to all the YMers too. It was a funny "kidnapping session" and hiding under the black cloth awaiting the announcement of our birthdays.

And my binge eating has offcially started yesterday during YM leader's retreat with the Ben & Jerry's ice cream and the steamboat.

Being the free me today, i went to watch Rush Hour 3 with Jayne, MeiYian, James, Kenneth, Sam (Kenneth's friend) and Alex. Exciting movie, although i think i would actually laugh more if you brought me to er, Rahtetooeee or something. Cute rat ok. And the new almighty show, the Noah's Ark one. Haha. I was obviously bored after 1/2 a day of Sims... Well. This is my rest-and-play week.

Oh ya and i've got to record this down... hmmm i was at camp from thur to sat right, so i didn't do QT on thur and fri night... other than listening to the song "take me away with You" while going to sleep i guess... it was just 2 days of somewhat being not-that-close to God... and when i went for YM service on Sat, the moment i started praying in tongues, it was OOOOSSSHHH... the feeling in my heart was so different as i sensed God's presence again. It's really like, better is one day in His courts than a thousand days elsewhere.

Haha talking about camp, i was complaining to Sarah Lin during the camp that i'm worried about my new mission field in school and stuffs (say hi to the new uni culture), and i was saying that church guys are much better than uni guys (at least church guys don't speak so much vulgarities). Hai.

See, my mind is traveling all over the place again. It's 1.10am now, interesting that i'm still up at this time, but i guess i should do this kind of late night thing now before school starts and i really need my beauty sleep. =)

Sequel to my birthday!

Haha it's a day after my first day of being 19.

As you all know, I've changed my computer so i've lost all my bookmarks. So, i revisited the blogs (and the links) just now. (haha, i was supposed to do QT in this time slot but my sis is still sleeping and we share the same room so YA...) Discovered a few new blogs which i never knew existed previously (now i do!), and realised that i'm somewhat linked somehow through some blogs (eeks.).

So to my dear shujing's-blog-readers out there, i am very-unpleased to announce that...

Shujing has single-handedly ruined her own birthday.

How, you might ask? I got angry at my parents.

About what, you might continue proding? At not allowing me to go buy doughnuts and having a cake instead.

Ok the real situation is probably much more complex than that, involving 18 years of, stuff.

So yes, Shujing spent the last 2 hours of her 19th birthday crying and getting angry at herself and calling herself stupid all over and over again. It was like, hey girl, "VERY WELL DONE", you've dishonoured your parents again even though you're parents are such blessings and you got childish again and are prevented them from hearing the gospel from you AGAIN.

Argh.

It's painful even reliving these memories from yesterday.

But well, i apologized to my dad yesterday before saying i needed to sleep and bursting into a sob in my bedroom. And stuck a piece of note on the bathroom cupboard thing in the morning apologizing and all.

So i've managed to get rid of a bit of my own guilt towards my stupid idoitic outburst of childishness yesterday night by apologizing.

Hai. Don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm going to cry again.

So, yes, this is the weak part of Shujing. Not the weakest though.

Are you ready to see more sides of Shujing? I guess i'll get exposed to more of my own weaknesses especially in this season of growing in God... cos i have been asking God to reveal my weaknesses to me so that i can work to strengthen them. Haha. So for all you shujing's-blog-readers out there, be prepared for more scoops from Shujing's life. =)

My birthday! =)

Haha thanks to all those who have made my 19th birthday a really blessed one... Nelson (who has been constantly reminding me that my birthday is nearing, haha), Vanessa, Coral, Mishuelle, Fang Xian, Winnie, Jayne, Kenneth, Meiyian, James, Xiuyu, Hui Koon, Alex, Bertrand, the whole Poh family including Pastor Mark, Aunty Aye Lan and Faithe, Christine, Avelene and Serene and my whole YM cell. =)

Oh special thanks to Winnie and Kenneth who went with me to Simpsons movie and refused to let me pay for anything. I really appreciate that. =) I mean, not the not paying part la, but the kind gesture. =)

And of course God. =)

It has been 19 years... 19 long years, kinda... many mistakes made, bad character built, disobedient times etc etc... but i guess the past no longer matters now. Time to look forward to a blessed future now. =)

Thanks again, everybody!

Random. =)

This is insanity... it's 1am already and i'm still awake.

Cos i've gotten my new Saviour of the World CD!!! From Sarah Lin. So i'm rather busy now previewing all my songs.

Oh wells. I'm going to sleep soon i think. Really can't take it. Eeks i wonder which organ of my body is working properly because i'm not sleeping and letting my body rejuvenate at the correct times.

Anyway. Yes, i'm going to get rid of my pride and my ego this season. It was put on hold for some time... seemed like i was still in my kiddish spiritual days that even if i didn't get rid of my pride, i would still have a whole lot of area to grow. But now, it's time for me to confront my pride. It seems to be a ceiling... if i breakthrough this, i'd probably grow in leaps and bounds.

So just a reminder Shujing, don't feed your pride anymore!

I think as the days go past, i don't dare to that confidently say that i love Jesus anymore... i mean, i do so many things to hurt Him and stuffs... but i still would say, God is so good to me.

Thank You Lord. You're the best. =)

A random post on a God-given monday morning. =)

I am typing this whilst attempting to listen to a sermon about redeeming the marketplace. =) The sermon's making a lot of sense now...

But haha, i've this already-in-built habit of trying to maximise time (in one way or another). That's the nice way of putting things... an alternate way to express what i'm doing, is just that my brain wanders off a little so i'd just do two things i would be doing anyway simountaneously. =)

So whilst i listen to being-a-christian-starts-on-monday, i was thinking about yesterdays's ex-cell reunion.

Haha it was hilarious. I mean, bits of it. Some parts of it were more serious and no joke.

Um belonging to the category of serious stuffs... Sarah asked me a random question about how i got into YM comm, and really i don't know how. Haha! Hm. But i do hope i'm really being (or trying to be) a good overseer though. And wells other confidential stuffs.

Belonging to the hilarious side, yucks i dont like the chicky smell on my hands! Haha. I mean, i'm fine with marinating chicken and stretching them and all, but please gimme hand soap. Ahhh! Haha actually if you knew me really well, you would know that i'm not a very cleannn kinda person with an obsesssion with keeping myself fresh and nice, but i have a fascination with nice smelling hands. It goes back a long way to some interesting encounter... haha i won't talk about it here though in case anybody laughs at me for thinking that way, but suffice to say that i prefer not to raise my physically dirty-smelling hands to the Lord. =) Oh another thing under the 'hilarious' category, the Gatsby advertisement. Due to Coral's ingenuity, the already-funny-to-start-with advertisement has an added dimension to it. Haha. I would certainly laugh at this in a few years' time when i look back at all these times.

Hee i'm going to hop to SMU in a while's time, and i'll be hopping somewhere else to shop after the orientation thingy (talk about maximising time. =)).

But hee, let me just remind myself that i'm in this season of stretching myself... simply because God answered my prayer that hey-i-should-be-doing-more-than-this-in-my-life. Haha. So cute eh. There are some prayers that God would definetly be super glad to answer and can answer with more immediacy than others.

All in all, i praise the Lord for all the blessings that He has given me. *Muacks* to God! =)

You raise me up. =)

I was supposed to listen to a sermon on my computer because i wanted to charge my mp3 player and didn't want to waste the battery from there.

I went to download the sermon... and whilst waiting for the sermon to be loaded, the kapo-ness in me caught up and i went to peep at people's blogs. Haha.

After reading a few blogs, well, i figured out all our minds are filled with different things and it seems as though we live in different dimensions but we do live in this same world, just that "our own world" is different.

Haha. That's just a random reflection of what i fill up my mind with.

Well i went for a sleepover with fang xian, winnie, xiuyu and huikoon on mon-tue night. Something really good came out of watching white chicks, the sam-soon thing and snacking and looking at fang xian's photos. We talked about some 'stuffs', probably the usual things girls would talk about at sleepovers? Haha then again, we're a peculiar bunch of people.

Ok so the main point for myself is... i figured i gotta breakthrough out of my current spiritual level.

Now i've got some kind of a deep respect for people who stick to their christian values strongly, people who hear from God, people who get revelations/visions from God just like that.

What have i become after 2 years and 4 months of walking with God?

I'm not contented.

There has to be something more out of my life than what it is now.

There must be a higher calling than to merely survive society by scoring good grades in uni and then going off to have a good job, get married and have kids, retiring afterwards and living by the accumulated CPF money.

If i'm greedy, i would say i must have a higher calling than just helping lizzy lead my cell like that... i can and should be a better cell overseer than i am now.

Flashbacks to last weekend about Pastor Mark and Pastor Jonathan's sermons.

There must be something more.

And i got to break through to reach that amount of God's blessings, to get heard from heaven.

I haven't been to the movies for a considerably long time, i don't know about the latest fashion, i can't tell the actors and actresses apart from one another, i'm not even half as exciting as other people...

But i think for this season of my life, i don't mind being boring... i don't mind being homogenous... If i'm bad at multi-tasking and i can only concentrate on one part of my life, this has to be it.

I'm just going to fill up my mind with the purposes of God.

You raise me up. =)

Stand firm! =)

Uni's going to start... and i'm only half excited...

Before i forget, i'd better list down my priorities...

LOVING GOD will always be my top priority, followed closely behind by LOVING GOD'S PEOPLE.

I really really don't want to live for myself... argh, it's a sick life, and a sick life mentality.

Hey wait a minute... love God isn't just a "priority"....

COS GOD IS MY LIFE!

1 Jhn 5:11," And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life; He who does not have the Son of God does not have life".

Hebrews 12:1, "Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us".

1 Peter 5:8, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."